wanna go halves on a baby?
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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