I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
He spilled some of his beer on your shoulder then proceeded to lick it off. By the face you made, I don't know if you were completely horrified or really turned on.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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