brb k???!! plz don't leave i want 2 tlk bout r rltnshp
she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu
i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
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Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
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2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
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