You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Let us do this. Tomorrow night is thirsty Thursday. Let us drink whiskey from the bottle and have men in plastic gloves inscribe permanent images of each others faces onto our buttocks.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
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