my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
