he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.
What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Randomize
