He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
I swear to god little potato creatures live inside Belvedere bottles and claw at your throat as you swallow shots.
Did you put pizza in my boxers last night?
I left you 4 hours ago. Have you been walking around with shit in your pants all day?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
My tits became the mascot for the SAE house last night.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
His mom wants to come see the dorm.
Hide the whip.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Straight boys are literally imbeciles. If Darwinism doesn’t get them female rage will.
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