I cannot stress to you how much better your current situation is than listening to gay sex
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
