you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
you had sex with a 30 year old who doesn't have a cell phone but does have an 8 year old son.
he's 29.
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm lying here drinking water from a shot glass..moving is not an option right now
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
Man I just realized that my only life problem right now is that I have to convince myself not to fuck a 19-y-o
Randomize
