so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
