I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
