Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
Did you write your name in the dust on our toilet tank?
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
We can't BOTH have terrible sex lives. Get fucked or throw him out.
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
What did you do with the dog when you went into the club?
coat checked
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
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