I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
You coming bye my yot got egg sweet carilne vodklaa
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Because you hugged a homeless guy, and I paid him 5 bucks to give us our giraffe balloon animal back. That's why.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
Randomize
