I woke up this AM and all of my clothes i wore last night are gone. Instead i am dressed in air jordans, boxers, cargo shorts, and an Affliction t-shirt. the part that upsets me most is that i was with a guy who wears Affliction t-shirts.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
I plan to try out my new vibrator and watch Star Trek: The Next Generation. It's a busy night.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
He's teaching me French for free and I'm giving him blowjobs. Win-win.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Also: I hate her so much. She's out at hooters, making spelling errors, while I'm literally sitting at a clinic getting std tested. Which of us won the morality award in this break up.
Randomize
