Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
dude, i woke up with a mini keg on my night stand. again. like wtf
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
So yeah, my old kindergarten teacher just asked me who gave me the hickies on me neck.
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
