woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
