tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Note to self; if you can light it on fire, you probs shouldn't drink it
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
The porch is breathing.
STAY OUT OF MY SHROOMS YOU CUNT
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
