she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
Randomize
