i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
it's like her boobs came off with her bra
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
I felt like I was selling my soul to satan but then I realized I already pawned it for drug money
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
so he'll eat food out of a dumpster but he won't lick your ass?
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
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