I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
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Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
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I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
This guy knew what he was doing. Most guys can't find the spot even if it shot off a flare and played a kazoo.
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
Totally writing my paper on the toilet. Makes me miss you.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
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