I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Randomize
