fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
So....maintenance found the bullethole.....
Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.
I was just hoping for a dick worthy of his established age.
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
Randomize
