I just spent the night with a bunch of indian guys and i wasn't attracted to a single one. Yeah i've officially become an anti-indian indian.
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
in literally every picture i'm wearing less and less of my costume.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Randomize
