Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
Randomize
