Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Told my brother the truth how I meet her...I grabbed the first thing I could when the cops came. 10 months later we are engaged.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
It's hard picking what to wear when you know the plan is sex. Like can't I just wear my robe let's just simplify this.
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Randomize
