I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed
Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.
Do I have a choice?
I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
I can't even spell what he said he was on. And I had to call 4 people before someone had heard of it.
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
Randomize
