Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Randomize
