I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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