So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Girl passed out in class and vomited. Another victim of syllabus week
I smell like gasoline and adventure.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
