dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Hillary is trying to make pickle pops with vodka and sell them to kids at the ball park.
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
Randomize
