The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
My little brother has some high school girls in my pool, it's like a jailbait buffet in my backyard
I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
airport. 106 proof japanese liquor. 4 little travel size containers. im proud to be smarter than the average american.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
He says it takes a lot to subdue the urge to just bury his face in my vagina. Of course, I have absolutely no problem with this.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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