My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
You should have. Partying with 60 year olds and batman is so much better than partying with bitches our age.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
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