god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny
Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".
Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
We're like a dynamic duo.
Bisexual and Proud, Lesbian and Loud.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I love how encouraging you are, but I need you to stop me when the guy I'm going home with is a dead ringer for Nick Cage.
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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