I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
Randomize
