if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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