I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Fire trucks are here again. It wasn't me this time.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
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