i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
The only comparison I have for the iPhone is that it's like youre constantly getting a blow job
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I covered the puke with a shingle there's not many chunks. I think it will blend quickly.
Randomize
