She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
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