apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
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