so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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