hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
