We are brilliant. We call it the pint walk. Killing a pint of vodka while we walk from cleveland park to dupont. just making mama proud
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
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