I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea
Blew a line and having a jolly rancher... the day is looking up.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Is that strawberry winking at me??
Randomize
