It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
He gave me a script of norcos and touched my balls so overall it's been a good day.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
Randomize
