We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
And then she banged "the first Italian rapper"
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
We 6 way cheers-ed with French fries last night, hammered, in the booth.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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