just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
I hung my underwear from the tree in his front yard. Consider my territory marked.
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
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