Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
Love me.
GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.
Just for one nugget?
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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