So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Stand up sex. Extremely, extremely difficult. I now know how pointe dancers feel.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
YOU BROUGHT HANDCUFFS TO THE WHITE ELEPHANT EXCHANGE AND DIDN'T TELL ME???
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
Randomize
