Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
Jenny was looking for something soft to drink since it's only noon, she chose spiced rum. Think she might die today
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
I never actually go in the club. I get in line, hit on a chick, and convince her to come drink all she wants for free at my house.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
My friends said as soon as you walked in, I motor boated you like there was no tomorrow.
Yeah, I liked it.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
