Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I have to sanitize my nipples and its just to cold in here for it to be ok
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
i'm hungover but need to study so i had a vodka orange juice, three ibuprofen and an adderall for breakfast. what up med school
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
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