I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
Randomize
