I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
we played lady & the tramp with a hash brown from McDonald's....im in love.
It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..
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You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
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Would it be inappropriate to rub one out in the gym shower? I mean, technically, I pay $80 a month to do what I want so could they really say anything?
Shower is fine. Steam room is shady. I've probably done both at one point in my life so I can't be used as a good reference.
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
he kissed both of us goodnight when we dropped him off...I didn't know if I was more offended or impressed
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
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