the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
The best revenge is premature balding
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
All my friends are going on vacations with their boyfriends while I’m over here in court trying to get a restraining order against my ex....
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