So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
Huh interesting. Well thats too bad. Did he catch on?
I doubt it. After sex he sat there naked until the episode of fresh prince (which had JUST started) was over.
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
