i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Sadness tears and throw up everywhere
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Dude, I puked in the stall for God knows how long. Halfway through, a kid sits down in the stall next to me and starts jacking off, i heard the porn on his phone and everything. so FYI, the middle stall is where good nights go to die
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
