They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
Randomize
