its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
he was terrible at kissing, so i just kept letting him motorboat me. he seemed very pleased with my choice
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
So vagazzling was a success
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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